Couple Counselling

All marriages and partnerships experience challenges from time to time.  We are different people with different points of view, life experiences and ways of being in the world.  Very often couples encounter problems that are actually solvable and with the right support can be successfully worked through.  However, when a problem seems to persist or proves difficult to resolve, such as having to deal with a difficult family member or perhaps a difficult ex partner, opposing views around money or parenting, different religious beliefs or family culture, this is called a perpetual problem.  These kinds of problems or differences can have a significant impact, lead to conflict and place stress on even the strongest relationship.  It is very likely that this problem will continue to re-surface or be here to stay!  In these cases, we are then challenged to find new ways to better manage difficult or persistent issues to allow us to stay safely and happily connected to our partner even in the face of these challenges.

Safety and connection go hand in hand.  To feel safe we must first feel connected to our partner, to feel connected we must also feel safe.  We need to know that our partner has our back at all times … that they are on our side.   When we reach for our partner, we need to feel sure that he or she will be emotionally available and responsive to us.  Real intimacy is not just about the physical relationship, it is also very much about the mental, emotional and spiritual connection couples share.

When relationships run into trouble, couples usually become entrenched in negative patterns of behaviour.  They can get caught in a cycle of negativity engaging in destructive behaviours such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  These behaviours are well known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Gottman 1999) and can strike at the heart of the relationship.  To be fair, most of us may engage in some of these behaviours to some degree from time to time.  However if these “Four Horsemen” take up permanent residence in your marriage or relationship then trouble will not be far behind.  It is essential to recognise if, when and how often you might engage in any of these behaviours and take steps to remedy this as soon as possible.  Negative cycles are destined to repeat over and over again until this pattern is interrupted.  Couple counselling can be a positive and important first step out of this negative and very destructive cycle.

Love is a bond between two people.  At the heart of every good marriage or partnership there is friendship and admiration for the other. How we treat our partner, what we say and do sends a powerful message about how we feel about that person.  Think about this for a moment ….  What kind of messages are you sending through your words and actions?  What impact will this have on your partner and what will this mean for your relationship in the future?  In what ways do you let your partner know just how much they really mean to you? 

Love is not just about gazing into each other’s eyes it is also about gazing out in the same direction with shared purpose and meaning.  It is about listening it is about caring deeply for another.  It is about friendship, admiration, honest open communication, trust, respect and joy as you go through life’s journey …. …….. safely connected together.

Reference:  Gottman (1999) The Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work